bottled water

I know it's a little weird to put up two posts in one day - trust me, it's weird for me, too!  But I figured that since these quizzes were written a little while ago and all I had to do was a little modifying, it wasn't like I was actually WRITING them, and I'm also planning on doing another serious post tomorrow, so I figured I'd get you all sugared up today before I hit you with some hard truth tomorrow.  Enjoy!


Okay, let me be honest with you.  The Gummy Bear quiz?  Child’s play.  It was done on a lark as sort of a second thought.  This Bottled Water Quiz is really soooo much more well written – I really took my time with it, thought things out.  You know how many total users it’s had?  Thirty-one.  Yup, that’s right – three (3) – one (1).  And most of those people only took it because I forced them to.  Just goes to show you how much the high school girls taking facebook quizzes appreciate true quality.

But I like it, and it makes me giggle a little when I read it.  So here it is for you.

#1 – Which comes closest to what you had for lunch today?

1.  Skittles and Combos.  (+3 points:  Vitamin)

2.  Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame-seed bun.  (+2 points:  Purified)

3.  Rare rack of lamb with mint sauce and braised endive.  (+5 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  Dried beef and hard-tack.  (+1 point:  Distilled)

5.  Whatever was in the refrigerator that didn't have mould on it.  Well, maybe it had a little mould on it, but isn't that how they make cheese?  If vegetables have mould on them, can they be considered cheese?  (-2 points:  Toilet)

6.  Casaba melon wrapped in prosciutto.  (+4 points:  Artesian)

7.  That piece of meat I dropped on the floor.  I cleaned it off again before I ate it.  Really. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt.  (+0 points:  Hose)

#2 – Last time you checked your belly-button for lint?

1.  If it's large and hairy enough for me to see it hanging out there, I pick it out.  (+2 points:  Vitamin)

2.  I have never in my life thought about those kinds of things until just now.  Does anybody really?  Is this a joke?  (+1 points:  Purified)

3.  I can't be bothered with such things: I have people who do it for me. (+4 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  There is not such a thing?  Is there? Now I'm a little paranoid.  Darn you, facebook quiz!  I thought my bellybutton was ok!  Isn't it? (+1 point:  Distilled)

5.  I am the lint in my belly-button. (+1 points:  Toilet)

6.  Every day when I take my shower.  Sometimes, if I work out and take a couple of showers, twice a day. (+3 points:  Artesian)

7.  When it starts to smell. (+0 points:  Hose)

#3 – Why are you taking this quiz?

1.  Because it's just plain FUN!  WOOO HOOO!  (+4 points:  Vitamin)

2.  Because I'm avoiding doing something academic that I know I should be doing right now.  (+8 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated – but only because I wanted to be undisputedly Mediterranean Carbonated, because it’s my favorite)

3.  Because it reminds me of something I saw on Oprah.  No, it reminds me of something I saw on the View.  Because if that vampire in Twilight were going to bite me, I know that taking a quiz like this on facebook would increase the odds of his doing so.  (+3 points:  Purified)

4.  Because I'm bored. (+1 point:  Distilled)

5.  I take as many quizzes as I can to find out more about the hidden person yearning to break free inside of me that neither I nor anyone else knows about yet, and then I post their results on my wall so that both I and everybody else will finally know who I really am.  REALLY. (+1 point – but  only because I feel sorry for you:  Toilet)

6.  Because the person who created it is forcing me to.  If I don't take it now, she will keep hounding me and hounding me.  I won't get any homework done.  All my text messages will be from her.  Vermin! (+6 points:  Artesian)

7.  Because I need to clean the (toilet/bathroom/kitchen sink/trash bin - you know what it is you should be cleaning right now) and this quiz is helping me avoid the reality of that nastiness for one more brief shining moment. (+1 point:  Hose)

#4 – You probably wear more than one kind of shoe from day-to-day.  Or maybe you don't. Whether you do or you don't, what kind of shoes do you wear the most - or which of the following most closely describes the type of shoes you WOULD wear if you could?

1.  Party shoes! Something I can really GROOVE in, baby!  Jump back and watch me move! OUCH!  Can't touch this!  (+7 points:  Vitamin)

2.  Whatever's on sale at Wal-Mart.  (+4 points:  Purified)

3.  I don't mess around with my shoes. They have to be real leather, and real brand name.  I never buy them at an outlet mall - everyone knows those shoes have something wrong with them.  And "Payless" is a 4-letter word, even if it has more than four letters in it.  Don’t let the number of letters fool you.  It’s nasty.  (+7 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  I got them at a fire sale.  (+3 points:  Distilled)

5.  Okay, don't tell anybody, but I really like the smell of feet.  I really like the smell of my own feet. I know it's kind of nasty, but sometimes I like to let my feet get really hot and sweaty and then I like to smell them. So... yeah, ones that smell like feet.  Yeah...  (-1 point – I’m sorry, I have to take one point away for shenanigans like those:  Toilet)

6.  Running shoes.  Or tennis shoes.  Or walking shoes.  Or cleats.  What's that?  Just one?  Okay.  Running shoes.  Or tennis shoes.  Or... »  (+6 points:  Artesian)

7.  This pair of Doctor Martens that I've had for about ten years now.  I don't care if the sole of the left one is cracked in half and the laces don't match, and maybe they smell a little mouldy, but they feel goooooood. You can't take that away, man.  And if you try, I’ll just keep hiding them in different places around the house till you stop looking.  (+2 points for effort:  Hose)

#5 – Quick, don't think, just pick one:

1.  Jelly Bean  (+4 points:  Vitamin)

2.  Toast  (+3 points:  Purified)

3.  Guava nectar  (+5 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  Burn (+1 point:  Distilled)

5.  Burp  (+1 point:  Toilet)

6.  Pomegranate  (+4 points:  Artesian)

7.  Cow tongue  (+1 point:  Hose)

#6 – You're driving through town and there's a homeless man on the corner with a sign that says, "My children are hungry, will work for money". What do you do?

1.  I have an apple, half a bag of chips, and a bag of McDonald's that I just picked up not 5 minutes ago in the seat next to me.  I roll down the window just enough to fit the bags through and give him all of it.  (+6 points:  Vitamin)

2.  Ok, you, there's a fine line between morality, stupid facebook quizzes, and meddling. I don't know what you're up to here, but I'm only taking this quiz as a time filler - what's with the deep and meaningful questions? (+3 points:  Purified)

3.  My gardener needs help.  If this guy doesn't smell like booze and his eyes aren't glassy, I have him fill out an application and submit his resume and tell him I'll have my people get back with his people sometime next week.  (+5 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  blankedy blank blank....  And those aren't euphemisms for swear words, I'm just not sure how to answer this.  What's a homeless man got to do with bottled water?  (+3 points:  Distilled)

5.  Hey, I would work for money. Does your gardener really need help?  I could get you my resume by five!  (+3 points:  Toilet)

6.  I make sure my doors are locked, turn up my stereo a little louder, and avoid eye contact. If I don't see him, he must not be there, right?  RIGHT?  (-2 points:  Artesian Spring)

7.  My town doesn't have any homeless people in it.  Ummm...  My town hardly has a town in it - unless you count the tractor dealership on the corner.  (+1 point:  Hose)

#7 – A tomato is:

1.  A fruit, or did you only get through, like, second-grade science?  (+2 points:  Vitamin)

2.  A vegetable, what's wrong with you, fruit-head, are you, like, in kindergarten?  (+2 points:  Purified)

3.  Best stewed in a fine white wine and served with fresh herbs over spelt pasta.  (+5 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  Something you dry and then grind up into a powder in case you can't get one again for a long, long time.  (+3 points:  Distilled)

5.  Something that causes SEVERE digestive problems.  Ouch.  Icky.  Look out below.  (+1 point – WAY TMI!:  Toilet)

6.  I saw the ones in your garden, and mine were better. I had more, and I don't care what anybody says, yours had WORMS!  (+2 points:  Artesian)

7.  Best used as a missile after it's rotten, smelly, and more than a little mouldy. Ever been hit with one of those babies?  You'll never mess with ME again!  (+3 points:  Hose)

You are Naturally Carbonated Mediterranean Spring Water.

Va-va-voom!  Don't mess with you! While most people don't have the cash-ola to buy you or the refined taste to REALLY appreciate you, everyone knows who's the best of the best, and it's you, baby.  Most of the time those po-dunk, purified-water-drinking-pansies just walk right on by you, but it's not because they don't like you, or even because they can't afford you (let's be realistic, if they truly knew how good you were, they'd be willing to shell out a few extra dollars!).  It's because they just don't understand you. In fact, some of them are just plain afraid of you.  I mean, really, those people drinking Aquafina?  It's a Pepsi product, people. Who knows where that water comes from (cf: reclaimed sewer-water). To them, carbonation belongs in liquid that could dissolve the shine off a penny.  Nope, you're beyond them. Just keep on believing...  (34 – 39 points)

You are Pure Artesian Spring Water.

Artesian...  What does it mean?  Does anyone really know?  Most people don't, but you do. It means you, baby!  You're pricey and glitzy, and just about as fancy as something that's non-sparkling can be.  Does that mean that you're a pretender to the Naturally Carbonated Spring Water throne?  Hey, no one ever said that out loud!  You are, of course, more popular than that carbonated junk.  People GET you.  I mean, what's up with that “naturally” carbonated water, anyway?  Is that for real?  Or is it just distilled water with bottled CO2 added?  Yeah, we can all take a guess at the truth...  Say what they may, you know you're the real thing!  You are fresh and velvety. There are less expensive brands of spring water out there, but everyone knows that they're really just pretenders to YOUR throne. Sometimes people walk longingly by you on their way to buy Ice Mountain, but everyone knows it's you they really want.  You're like the Gucci bag of bottled water...  If there even is such a thing...  So...  WHATEVER, "Naturally" Carbonated Spring Water!  You tell me when you have yourself figured out...  or...  whatever...  (19 – 23 points)

You are Vitamin Water.

Wheeeeee-Haaaaaaaah!  Water was never fun before you came along!  Shoot, FUN was never fun before you came along!  Some people say you're kind of watered-down tasting, but...  DUH!  You're WATER!  What do they expect!  I mean, as far as water goes, you're like a rocket.  Well, like a rocket of, um, water.  Or something like that.  Your subtle hints of juiciness are refreshing and satisfying, and the fact that you come in fun colors is like the added bonus of the century.  After you came along, those other more generic brands of water started to try and imitate you but their colors were either too bright or too unnatural (I mean, who ever heard of bright blue water - yuck!).  And that plain old clear water that's flavored?  It's just plain CREEEEPY!  What's up with that?  If you're going to be a flavor, you may as well go all the way, right?  Well you, my friend, you go all the way. You are not afraid to break new ground, try new things.  If water could climb Mount Everest, you would do it.  And if you're not the athletic type, you'd be the water to win the Nobel Peace Prize.  Because everybody knows what kind of water YOU are. You are excitement in a bottle...  BAM!  (24 – 30 points)

You are Purified Water.

Ok, so you're not the most exciting thing out there on the shelf.  Mmmmm...  maybe your packaging isn't the most flashy thing on the bottled-water buffet, either.  Aaaaand...  you might taste a little weird sometimes, too.  Those rumors that you're reclaimed sewer-water?  Are they true?  Hey, everybody has skeletons in their closet, right?  We don't need to talk about that here.  At least you're doing your duty for the environment.  Recycling is recycling. I mean, when people are eating off of plates that are made from post-consumer recycled paper, who really knows what that means?  Where did that paper come from?  No one ever goes around casting aspersions at the recycled paper plate's character!  One thing that's for sure, though, recycled tap water or whatever you are, you are hands down the most popular bottled water out there.  Why? Because you're safe.  Who needs exciting.  Who needs flavor.  Who needs stupid bubbles in their water - I mean what's up with that anyway?  Everybody knows bubbles are for soda, right?  You have been septimally filtered (I mean, if you were - not to say you are, but if you WERE - sewer-water, how could any poop be left in you after seven different filterings?  Right?  RIGHT?). You have been through the process of reverse osmosis (so what if those Naturally Carbonated Spring Water-drinking academic snobs say that's an oxymoron - nobody really knows what the word "oxymoron" means anyway - I mean, you don't, and that's all that really matters...  REALLY...).  And you've been boiled at a temperature that's comparable to the surface-heat of Mount Vesuvius' open caldera. But - and perhaps - most importantly, you really FEEL clean. Feel the clean.  Be the clean.  No one needs to know where you REALLY came from...  It’s all just poop under the bridge.  (16 – 18 points)

You are Distilled Water.

You are utilitarian, useful, helpful.  Let's put it this way, if there's a situation in which the National Guard might be called, people are going to be shoving each other into the end-caps down the bottled water aisle to get at you, my friend.  And not only that, but you are multi-purpose, as well.  Maybe people only drink you as a last resort, but everyone who's anyone knows that if they really want to care for their tropical fish like good tropical fish carers-forers (is that even a word? spell check doesn't seem to think so...) they should use you.  I mean, really, have you ever tried to bathe your gourami in Perrier? And what kind of fool goes out and buys 50 gallons worth of Fiji to start up a new salt-water tank (I mean, couldn't you buy your 16-year-old a new car for that kind of cash)? So while you might not be tasty - ok, let's just admit it, you're really kind of gross (nothing personal, just pointing out facts...) - you sure are useful! Sooooo... You just keep on truckin', trigger!  (10 – 14 points)

You are Hose Water.

All right, here's the skinny on you: Some people think you're just gross; others think you're the best thing since sliced bread.  So which is it?  Well really, if it's a hot day and you're a long hose and you've been laying out in the sun (especially near an ant hill and the ants have been climbing up inside of you and laying their eggs inside of you and eating dead bug carcasses inside of you and peeing inside of you), you really are a little gross.  Flipside? Let the water run for a while, rinse you out, get those ants, their eggs, and their excrement out, make sure the water's cold, and you just might be the most refreshing thing a person's ever had.  If the well's deep enough, and the aquifer doesn't have disgusting minerals in it (and if animals haven't been peeing on the mouth of the hose while no one's been around), hose water is fabulous.  If you're a country kid who's grown up with it and you're willing to put your blinders on and pretend like no animal anywhere ever in the history of hosedom could ever have peed on the hose ever (ever ever), hose water is great.  Sooooo...  You take your pick.  Are you?  Or aren't you? It's all about you.  But then again, this quiz doesn't really mean anything anyway, so it really isn't about anything.  Shoot. For a second there it all seemed like it made so much sense, didn't it...  (6 – 9 points)

You are Toilet Water.

Oooooooo...  Ouch.  Toilet water.  How did we get here?  Think about it.  Don't want to think about it?  Maybe it's time to start.  For one thing, we're talking about drinking water.  What're people doing drinking out of the toilet?  I mean, really.  One of the optional answers for this quiz was "distilled water" which is - let's face it - desperation water.  So if distilled water is desperation water, and you're toilet water, what does that mean for you?  Well, there's good news and there's bad news.  Bad news first, let’s get it over with. It means you're toilet water.  TOILET WATER, MAN!!  Is there any good news after that?  The good news?  I guess if there were good news, it would be that this quiz is meaningless.  It has nothing to do with anything. The fact that you are toilet water could mean that you are an Irish Springer Spaniel wearing pink booties to the Festivas Ball in the middle of June at midnight.  Somewhere around here there must be a quiz that will tell you who you REALLY are...  and I’ll bet it’s got a photo of the Twilight vampire somewhere in it...  (2 – 5 points)