The 10 Commandments for Honoring God with Your Computer

So by now, all three of you who read my blog probably know that I like to read Jon Acuff's wildly more popular blog Stuff Christians Like.  You should check it out.  It's a laughriot.  For the last couple of days I've been engaged in a conversation with a guy here about an imaginary scenario in which I know nothing about computers because they are sinful, and I am therefore only able to post on the blog through the intercession of the Holy Spirit, who actually types my replies and posts them for me.  His last comment was that someone should come up with a "10 Commandments for honoring God via computers..." and so I started thinking, "hmmmmm..."

And so I give you:

The 10 Commandments for Honoring God with Your Computer (Not written with His finger in stone, and not to be taken as the basis for salvific assumption, but merely for the pointing of the finger and snickering at those who choose not to follow them, or for pointing at yourself, because sometimes that’s even more funnier):

1. Thou shalt not surf the world wide inter webs (John Acuff used this word a couple of times, and I think I’m gonna just keep on using it, because it makes me giggle inside) during class lectures. 

     This really causes the person sitting behind thee (me) to cast all of the stones in their head at thee at one time.  So, to whip out a biblical buffet of metaphors, pull out your tweezers and pick out that splinter so old plankhead (me) doesn’t go apoplectic behind you and bust out of her glass house as she stumbles over its threshold (I'm about pretty sure percent there's no glass house in the Bible, but it fits into the metaphorical smorgasbord) because of the facebook chat session you’re having in the middle of D.A. Carson’s class.

2.  If thou art checking thine facebook page in the library, sit in a study carrel in the corner or at a table with thy back against the wall.

     This way people won’t walk by you with that knowing look, that look that says, “Oh yeah, slacker?  Thirty pages by next week?  Facebook’s gonna get that done for ya then, isn’t it?"  Here's a simple tip:  If your back’s facing the wall, no one ever has to know.  At least that way you’ll look busy with that pile of books sitting next to your computer.

3.  Thou shalt not make a rule for thyself that thy wilt not surf the inter webs during lectures, but then justify that thou art not breaking thine own rule by keeping thine iPhone or iPod Touch tucked in thy lap in order that thou mightest check thine TweetDeck throughout class.

     This is just sick and wrong.  If you feel the need to do this (and I’m talking to myself here as much as I am to the girl next to me with the splinter in her eye), just leave that tool of Satan at home.

4.  If thou feelest so led to play video games, thou shalt not leave their laughing little icons in thy dock during finals season.

     I never want to play video games so much as during that month before finals, and then that icon just sits in my dock, smirking at me and tempting me.  Just control-click and remove it.  Come on, you know Jesus wants you to.

5.  Thou shalt stop using other people’s blogs to lead the people who read them into believing that you don’t know what the inter webs are.

     What are the inter webs?

6.  Thou shalt not throw out the lame Christian Disclaimer that watching that 95 Theses Rap Video is really a necessary and valuable tool for learning about Reformation era history and that the information contained therein wilt inestimably boost thine knowledge about the venerable Martin Luther and the role which he played in freeing Christians from their bondage to legalistic Catholic oppression.

     Oh, come on.  We all know that the real reason you like to watch it is because the beat is ill and can't be stopped.

7.  Thou shalt not watch those 5 Second Movies on YouTube when thou shouldst be studying for that Hebrew vocab test which thou hast tomorrow.

     Because that’s what I’m supposed to be doing right now.  Studying for the vocab test, that is, not watching the 5 Second Movies.

8.  Thou shalt not use the iCamera built into thine computer in order that thou mightest spy on the boys sitting behind thee in the graduate student center because thy friend hast told thee that they (the boys) art talking about something inappropriate and it hast made thee curious to know if thou dost know whom the boys are.

     Yes, I have broken this commandment.

    

9.  When thou art done watching LOST, thou shalt not allow Hulu to “recommend” any other shows to thee, because it really is time to get some work done.

     I mean, really, what does Hulu think, that I’m there watching its fancy inter webs TV because I enjoy it?  I don’t enjoy LOST!  It’s like a chip in my brain that I can’t get out.  I mean, come on, Hulu, get off my case.  Haven't you done enough damage already?

10. If thou art a Calvinist, thou shalt not go to Joseph Arminius’ page (or vice versa) on Wikipedia and begin posting erroneous information about him under a pseudonym.

     Come on, people, are we all adults here, or what?