fear & trembling

            ¹⁰Now I exhort you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all agree and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be made complete in the same mind and in the same judgment.  ¹¹For I have been informed concerning you, my brethren, by Chloe’s people, that there are quarrels among you.  ¹²Now I mean this, that each one of you is saying, “I am of Paul,” and “I of Cephas,” and “I of Christ.”  ¹³Has Christ been divided?  Paul was not crucified for you, was he?  Or were you baptised in the name of Paul?”  (1 Cor 1:11-13 NASB)

This is a very heady and academic place in which I now live.  It is no small thing, the amount of knowledge which daily pounds by me on the pavement as I trot along to my classes or jaunt off to Chapel.  I am afforded with the chance to study under some of the greatest theological minds of my time, to interact with them on a daily basis.  Why, just the other day, I shared a little laugh with D.A. Carson.  At least, I think he was laughing with me...

But here’s this thing I pick up on all the time:  people here get so attached to a particular doctrine, to a particular man’s teachings, or to a particular denominational understanding of Scripture and the workings of election and salvation that they seem to lose sight of what really happened as Christ was slaughtered on the Cross to atone for what we did.

Last week I was sitting in my Systematic Theology class, and we were hearing a lecture on gradation in degree of election through Supralapsarianism to Arminianism.  The professor basically laid out a buffet of the four major different doctrinal differences outlining how God would/could have or could not have elected people in order that He would have either been the One who allowed sin to come into the world or to have kind of been more hands off about it and that it would have been more of a thing that men chose to do because God only elected a general “type” or subset of people to be saved rather than specific people.  Whew!  Are you gettin’ all of that?!  Okay, if you aren’t, it’s totally okay.  Trust me, spell check isn’t getting it either, ‘cause my little green “grammar police” lines are off the charts angry about that sentence.  I mean, the lecture was a lot more in depth and probably easier to follow.  I’m probably being intentionally vague because I just get so irritated with all of this whaxegesic mumbo-jumbo.  I mean, I know there’s a place for it, and really, it’s why were here...  at seminary...  where people come to learn about these different historical treatises and what they’ve meant to the Church and to doctrine.

But after this little sub-lecture, a young man raises his hand and asks – and he’s very earnest – how he can use this to witness to people.  He asks, if the Supralapsarian view is true, and God has predestined and pre-elected only a certain few, how can he truly witness to someone on the street and tell them that Jesus died for their sins when maybe Jesus didn’t die for their sins, maybe they aren’t one of the elect.  He asks isn’t it better to follow maybe more of an Amyraldian or an Arminian point of view, because then he can tell people that Jesus really did die for their sins, but then what if those points of view aren’t really true, and the Infralapsarianism or the Supralapsarian point of view is right, then isn’t he doing the lost an injustice – why even try to save them at all?

So by now, I’m just busting at the seams to say something, because this guy doesn’t need a deeper explanation of the theological treatise.  He’s probably had too much already.  And maybe I should have just kept my big yap shut, but I couldn’t help it.  So I said, in front of the whole class, that I tended to lean more toward the first two camps (those that favor election and predestination), but because I’m finite and cannot possibly grasp God’s eternal perspective of whom He has and hasn’t chosen to be a part of His Kingdom, I must treat everyone I meet as though they may at some time become my brother or sister in Christ.  Even if they are not a member of the elect, I do not and cannot know this, and it is not my responsibility to try and discern it – God’s will for me is to evangelise, to share His love for them and His will that all should come to know Him and that none should perish.

So after the sound of crickets briefly filled the room, the professor once again launched into another theological explanation of the four doctrinal points of view on election, at which, this poor soul looked even more confused than he had before.  I am now more resolved than ever to just keep my mouth shut in this class and get through it.  I say again, that I know these factual tidbits are important, but can’t we help our young men and women out – the future leaders and teachers of our flock – by helping them to understand how this will relate to their ministry today? 

Why does more knowledge just seem to confuse and harden so many of the young men and women that I see around here?  How sad that makes me.  How sad for them and how sad for Christ’s bride, the Church.  Why can’t we seem to find a place where we can learn and worship and lead others to Truth without mucking up their new faith by scaring them with our own theological insecurities?

Now I exhort you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all agree and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be made complete in the same mind and in the same judgment.  For I have been informed concerning you, my brethren, by people around campus, that there are quarrels among you.  Now I mean this, that each one of you is saying,  “I’m an Arminian,”  and “I’m a Calvinist,” and “I’m a Charismatic,” and “I’m a Calviminian,” and, “I don’t even need the epistles or the Old Testament, because I just follow the Gospel of love that Christ preached.”  Has Christ been divided?  Calvin was not crucified for you, was he?  Or were you baptised in the name of Arminius?

¹² So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling...  (Phil 2:12 – NASB)

So do it.  Go and work out your own salvation.  Figure out what it means to you.  Struggle with it.  Wrestle with God.  But don’t you dare make those lost ones whom God has called you to evangelise bear the burden of what you don’t understand.  Don’t you dare ask them to help you figure it out.  Don’t you dare cause them to stumble.  You work out your own salvation.

bottled water

I know it's a little weird to put up two posts in one day - trust me, it's weird for me, too!  But I figured that since these quizzes were written a little while ago and all I had to do was a little modifying, it wasn't like I was actually WRITING them, and I'm also planning on doing another serious post tomorrow, so I figured I'd get you all sugared up today before I hit you with some hard truth tomorrow.  Enjoy!


Okay, let me be honest with you.  The Gummy Bear quiz?  Child’s play.  It was done on a lark as sort of a second thought.  This Bottled Water Quiz is really soooo much more well written – I really took my time with it, thought things out.  You know how many total users it’s had?  Thirty-one.  Yup, that’s right – three (3) – one (1).  And most of those people only took it because I forced them to.  Just goes to show you how much the high school girls taking facebook quizzes appreciate true quality.

But I like it, and it makes me giggle a little when I read it.  So here it is for you.

#1 – Which comes closest to what you had for lunch today?

1.  Skittles and Combos.  (+3 points:  Vitamin)

2.  Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame-seed bun.  (+2 points:  Purified)

3.  Rare rack of lamb with mint sauce and braised endive.  (+5 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  Dried beef and hard-tack.  (+1 point:  Distilled)

5.  Whatever was in the refrigerator that didn't have mould on it.  Well, maybe it had a little mould on it, but isn't that how they make cheese?  If vegetables have mould on them, can they be considered cheese?  (-2 points:  Toilet)

6.  Casaba melon wrapped in prosciutto.  (+4 points:  Artesian)

7.  That piece of meat I dropped on the floor.  I cleaned it off again before I ate it.  Really. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt.  (+0 points:  Hose)

#2 – Last time you checked your belly-button for lint?

1.  If it's large and hairy enough for me to see it hanging out there, I pick it out.  (+2 points:  Vitamin)

2.  I have never in my life thought about those kinds of things until just now.  Does anybody really?  Is this a joke?  (+1 points:  Purified)

3.  I can't be bothered with such things: I have people who do it for me. (+4 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  There is not such a thing?  Is there? Now I'm a little paranoid.  Darn you, facebook quiz!  I thought my bellybutton was ok!  Isn't it? (+1 point:  Distilled)

5.  I am the lint in my belly-button. (+1 points:  Toilet)

6.  Every day when I take my shower.  Sometimes, if I work out and take a couple of showers, twice a day. (+3 points:  Artesian)

7.  When it starts to smell. (+0 points:  Hose)

#3 – Why are you taking this quiz?

1.  Because it's just plain FUN!  WOOO HOOO!  (+4 points:  Vitamin)

2.  Because I'm avoiding doing something academic that I know I should be doing right now.  (+8 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated – but only because I wanted to be undisputedly Mediterranean Carbonated, because it’s my favorite)

3.  Because it reminds me of something I saw on Oprah.  No, it reminds me of something I saw on the View.  Because if that vampire in Twilight were going to bite me, I know that taking a quiz like this on facebook would increase the odds of his doing so.  (+3 points:  Purified)

4.  Because I'm bored. (+1 point:  Distilled)

5.  I take as many quizzes as I can to find out more about the hidden person yearning to break free inside of me that neither I nor anyone else knows about yet, and then I post their results on my wall so that both I and everybody else will finally know who I really am.  REALLY. (+1 point – but  only because I feel sorry for you:  Toilet)

6.  Because the person who created it is forcing me to.  If I don't take it now, she will keep hounding me and hounding me.  I won't get any homework done.  All my text messages will be from her.  Vermin! (+6 points:  Artesian)

7.  Because I need to clean the (toilet/bathroom/kitchen sink/trash bin - you know what it is you should be cleaning right now) and this quiz is helping me avoid the reality of that nastiness for one more brief shining moment. (+1 point:  Hose)

#4 – You probably wear more than one kind of shoe from day-to-day.  Or maybe you don't. Whether you do or you don't, what kind of shoes do you wear the most - or which of the following most closely describes the type of shoes you WOULD wear if you could?

1.  Party shoes! Something I can really GROOVE in, baby!  Jump back and watch me move! OUCH!  Can't touch this!  (+7 points:  Vitamin)

2.  Whatever's on sale at Wal-Mart.  (+4 points:  Purified)

3.  I don't mess around with my shoes. They have to be real leather, and real brand name.  I never buy them at an outlet mall - everyone knows those shoes have something wrong with them.  And "Payless" is a 4-letter word, even if it has more than four letters in it.  Don’t let the number of letters fool you.  It’s nasty.  (+7 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  I got them at a fire sale.  (+3 points:  Distilled)

5.  Okay, don't tell anybody, but I really like the smell of feet.  I really like the smell of my own feet. I know it's kind of nasty, but sometimes I like to let my feet get really hot and sweaty and then I like to smell them. So... yeah, ones that smell like feet.  Yeah...  (-1 point – I’m sorry, I have to take one point away for shenanigans like those:  Toilet)

6.  Running shoes.  Or tennis shoes.  Or walking shoes.  Or cleats.  What's that?  Just one?  Okay.  Running shoes.  Or tennis shoes.  Or... »  (+6 points:  Artesian)

7.  This pair of Doctor Martens that I've had for about ten years now.  I don't care if the sole of the left one is cracked in half and the laces don't match, and maybe they smell a little mouldy, but they feel goooooood. You can't take that away, man.  And if you try, I’ll just keep hiding them in different places around the house till you stop looking.  (+2 points for effort:  Hose)

#5 – Quick, don't think, just pick one:

1.  Jelly Bean  (+4 points:  Vitamin)

2.  Toast  (+3 points:  Purified)

3.  Guava nectar  (+5 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  Burn (+1 point:  Distilled)

5.  Burp  (+1 point:  Toilet)

6.  Pomegranate  (+4 points:  Artesian)

7.  Cow tongue  (+1 point:  Hose)

#6 – You're driving through town and there's a homeless man on the corner with a sign that says, "My children are hungry, will work for money". What do you do?

1.  I have an apple, half a bag of chips, and a bag of McDonald's that I just picked up not 5 minutes ago in the seat next to me.  I roll down the window just enough to fit the bags through and give him all of it.  (+6 points:  Vitamin)

2.  Ok, you, there's a fine line between morality, stupid facebook quizzes, and meddling. I don't know what you're up to here, but I'm only taking this quiz as a time filler - what's with the deep and meaningful questions? (+3 points:  Purified)

3.  My gardener needs help.  If this guy doesn't smell like booze and his eyes aren't glassy, I have him fill out an application and submit his resume and tell him I'll have my people get back with his people sometime next week.  (+5 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  blankedy blank blank....  And those aren't euphemisms for swear words, I'm just not sure how to answer this.  What's a homeless man got to do with bottled water?  (+3 points:  Distilled)

5.  Hey, I would work for money. Does your gardener really need help?  I could get you my resume by five!  (+3 points:  Toilet)

6.  I make sure my doors are locked, turn up my stereo a little louder, and avoid eye contact. If I don't see him, he must not be there, right?  RIGHT?  (-2 points:  Artesian Spring)

7.  My town doesn't have any homeless people in it.  Ummm...  My town hardly has a town in it - unless you count the tractor dealership on the corner.  (+1 point:  Hose)

#7 – A tomato is:

1.  A fruit, or did you only get through, like, second-grade science?  (+2 points:  Vitamin)

2.  A vegetable, what's wrong with you, fruit-head, are you, like, in kindergarten?  (+2 points:  Purified)

3.  Best stewed in a fine white wine and served with fresh herbs over spelt pasta.  (+5 points:  Mediterranean Carbonated)

4.  Something you dry and then grind up into a powder in case you can't get one again for a long, long time.  (+3 points:  Distilled)

5.  Something that causes SEVERE digestive problems.  Ouch.  Icky.  Look out below.  (+1 point – WAY TMI!:  Toilet)

6.  I saw the ones in your garden, and mine were better. I had more, and I don't care what anybody says, yours had WORMS!  (+2 points:  Artesian)

7.  Best used as a missile after it's rotten, smelly, and more than a little mouldy. Ever been hit with one of those babies?  You'll never mess with ME again!  (+3 points:  Hose)

You are Naturally Carbonated Mediterranean Spring Water.

Va-va-voom!  Don't mess with you! While most people don't have the cash-ola to buy you or the refined taste to REALLY appreciate you, everyone knows who's the best of the best, and it's you, baby.  Most of the time those po-dunk, purified-water-drinking-pansies just walk right on by you, but it's not because they don't like you, or even because they can't afford you (let's be realistic, if they truly knew how good you were, they'd be willing to shell out a few extra dollars!).  It's because they just don't understand you. In fact, some of them are just plain afraid of you.  I mean, really, those people drinking Aquafina?  It's a Pepsi product, people. Who knows where that water comes from (cf: reclaimed sewer-water). To them, carbonation belongs in liquid that could dissolve the shine off a penny.  Nope, you're beyond them. Just keep on believing...  (34 – 39 points)

You are Pure Artesian Spring Water.

Artesian...  What does it mean?  Does anyone really know?  Most people don't, but you do. It means you, baby!  You're pricey and glitzy, and just about as fancy as something that's non-sparkling can be.  Does that mean that you're a pretender to the Naturally Carbonated Spring Water throne?  Hey, no one ever said that out loud!  You are, of course, more popular than that carbonated junk.  People GET you.  I mean, what's up with that “naturally” carbonated water, anyway?  Is that for real?  Or is it just distilled water with bottled CO2 added?  Yeah, we can all take a guess at the truth...  Say what they may, you know you're the real thing!  You are fresh and velvety. There are less expensive brands of spring water out there, but everyone knows that they're really just pretenders to YOUR throne. Sometimes people walk longingly by you on their way to buy Ice Mountain, but everyone knows it's you they really want.  You're like the Gucci bag of bottled water...  If there even is such a thing...  So...  WHATEVER, "Naturally" Carbonated Spring Water!  You tell me when you have yourself figured out...  or...  whatever...  (19 – 23 points)

You are Vitamin Water.

Wheeeeee-Haaaaaaaah!  Water was never fun before you came along!  Shoot, FUN was never fun before you came along!  Some people say you're kind of watered-down tasting, but...  DUH!  You're WATER!  What do they expect!  I mean, as far as water goes, you're like a rocket.  Well, like a rocket of, um, water.  Or something like that.  Your subtle hints of juiciness are refreshing and satisfying, and the fact that you come in fun colors is like the added bonus of the century.  After you came along, those other more generic brands of water started to try and imitate you but their colors were either too bright or too unnatural (I mean, who ever heard of bright blue water - yuck!).  And that plain old clear water that's flavored?  It's just plain CREEEEPY!  What's up with that?  If you're going to be a flavor, you may as well go all the way, right?  Well you, my friend, you go all the way. You are not afraid to break new ground, try new things.  If water could climb Mount Everest, you would do it.  And if you're not the athletic type, you'd be the water to win the Nobel Peace Prize.  Because everybody knows what kind of water YOU are. You are excitement in a bottle...  BAM!  (24 – 30 points)

You are Purified Water.

Ok, so you're not the most exciting thing out there on the shelf.  Mmmmm...  maybe your packaging isn't the most flashy thing on the bottled-water buffet, either.  Aaaaand...  you might taste a little weird sometimes, too.  Those rumors that you're reclaimed sewer-water?  Are they true?  Hey, everybody has skeletons in their closet, right?  We don't need to talk about that here.  At least you're doing your duty for the environment.  Recycling is recycling. I mean, when people are eating off of plates that are made from post-consumer recycled paper, who really knows what that means?  Where did that paper come from?  No one ever goes around casting aspersions at the recycled paper plate's character!  One thing that's for sure, though, recycled tap water or whatever you are, you are hands down the most popular bottled water out there.  Why? Because you're safe.  Who needs exciting.  Who needs flavor.  Who needs stupid bubbles in their water - I mean what's up with that anyway?  Everybody knows bubbles are for soda, right?  You have been septimally filtered (I mean, if you were - not to say you are, but if you WERE - sewer-water, how could any poop be left in you after seven different filterings?  Right?  RIGHT?). You have been through the process of reverse osmosis (so what if those Naturally Carbonated Spring Water-drinking academic snobs say that's an oxymoron - nobody really knows what the word "oxymoron" means anyway - I mean, you don't, and that's all that really matters...  REALLY...).  And you've been boiled at a temperature that's comparable to the surface-heat of Mount Vesuvius' open caldera. But - and perhaps - most importantly, you really FEEL clean. Feel the clean.  Be the clean.  No one needs to know where you REALLY came from...  It’s all just poop under the bridge.  (16 – 18 points)

You are Distilled Water.

You are utilitarian, useful, helpful.  Let's put it this way, if there's a situation in which the National Guard might be called, people are going to be shoving each other into the end-caps down the bottled water aisle to get at you, my friend.  And not only that, but you are multi-purpose, as well.  Maybe people only drink you as a last resort, but everyone who's anyone knows that if they really want to care for their tropical fish like good tropical fish carers-forers (is that even a word? spell check doesn't seem to think so...) they should use you.  I mean, really, have you ever tried to bathe your gourami in Perrier? And what kind of fool goes out and buys 50 gallons worth of Fiji to start up a new salt-water tank (I mean, couldn't you buy your 16-year-old a new car for that kind of cash)? So while you might not be tasty - ok, let's just admit it, you're really kind of gross (nothing personal, just pointing out facts...) - you sure are useful! Sooooo... You just keep on truckin', trigger!  (10 – 14 points)

You are Hose Water.

All right, here's the skinny on you: Some people think you're just gross; others think you're the best thing since sliced bread.  So which is it?  Well really, if it's a hot day and you're a long hose and you've been laying out in the sun (especially near an ant hill and the ants have been climbing up inside of you and laying their eggs inside of you and eating dead bug carcasses inside of you and peeing inside of you), you really are a little gross.  Flipside? Let the water run for a while, rinse you out, get those ants, their eggs, and their excrement out, make sure the water's cold, and you just might be the most refreshing thing a person's ever had.  If the well's deep enough, and the aquifer doesn't have disgusting minerals in it (and if animals haven't been peeing on the mouth of the hose while no one's been around), hose water is fabulous.  If you're a country kid who's grown up with it and you're willing to put your blinders on and pretend like no animal anywhere ever in the history of hosedom could ever have peed on the hose ever (ever ever), hose water is great.  Sooooo...  You take your pick.  Are you?  Or aren't you? It's all about you.  But then again, this quiz doesn't really mean anything anyway, so it really isn't about anything.  Shoot. For a second there it all seemed like it made so much sense, didn't it...  (6 – 9 points)

You are Toilet Water.

Oooooooo...  Ouch.  Toilet water.  How did we get here?  Think about it.  Don't want to think about it?  Maybe it's time to start.  For one thing, we're talking about drinking water.  What're people doing drinking out of the toilet?  I mean, really.  One of the optional answers for this quiz was "distilled water" which is - let's face it - desperation water.  So if distilled water is desperation water, and you're toilet water, what does that mean for you?  Well, there's good news and there's bad news.  Bad news first, let’s get it over with. It means you're toilet water.  TOILET WATER, MAN!!  Is there any good news after that?  The good news?  I guess if there were good news, it would be that this quiz is meaningless.  It has nothing to do with anything. The fact that you are toilet water could mean that you are an Irish Springer Spaniel wearing pink booties to the Festivas Ball in the middle of June at midnight.  Somewhere around here there must be a quiz that will tell you who you REALLY are...  and I’ll bet it’s got a photo of the Twilight vampire somewhere in it...  (2 – 5 points)

gummy bears

Okay, so here’s the thing.  when I first came to seminary, I got this brilliant idea for a sort of stress reliever whereby I’d go onto facebook and make up these ridiculous quizzes that would become wildly popular with all the high school girls, who would swoon and faint and pass notes to each other in class that said, “Did you like that quiz?  Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’”   Wee-eell, maybe that’s not exactly how it happened.  I saw that a bunch of my (adult) friends were taking this whackafrass quiz called “What color sharpie are you?” and I thought that if people would take a quiz to find that out, they’d take a quiz to find anything out (and I’m right, by the way – have you seen some of the quizzes people - adult people... over 30! -  are taking on facebook these days?!).

So flash forward, and I’ve made a couple of quizzes:  three, to be exact.  You must understand that I did this all at the beginning of my stay here at seminary, before I started to realise that the pressure on my brain was going to blow it right through the back of my skull and onto the wall behind me.  So I stopped writing quizzes and decided I’d try this instead.  We’ll see how long this lasts.  Anyhow, two of my quizzes did pretty well – one went through the roof...  Through.  The.  ROOF.  I tell you.  It was actually the first one I did, and not even my favorite, I might add.  It was...  (drum roll here) The Infamous Gummy Bear Quiz.  And tonight, as I was fiendishly blocking such annoying applications as Farmville from accessing my facebook profile information, I came across dear old Gummy, and thought I’d take its Q & A and retool it into a score chart type blog form (Next I’ll put my favorite, but less popular by facebook standards, quiz up for you).  This is a long one, hope you make it to the end!

 

So here you go – Quiz #1 – What Flavor Gummy Bear Are You?

#1 – You are at a party with your friends, how would you best describe your social interaction with them?

1.  Party?  What's that?  My friend doesn't like to go out in public with me. Well, sometimes we go to Wal-Mart together to look at flannel-colored pantyhose, or we like to look at the Twilight video section, because I know that vampire boy would have picked me if that whiney Kristin girl would have just left him alone long enough...  (-2 points)

2.  I have my following. We like to hang and pick out all the stupid things those "popular" people are doing.  They think they're so cool, but they're really just a bunch of sheep.  They’re not cool, and they know they’re not cool, but if you hang around a bunch of other people who aren’t cool long enough and you all tell each other you’re cool, you start to believe you’re all cool.  I’d never fall for that clap-trap.  I just like to watch it happen.  Kind of like watching Teen Mom on MTV.  (+0 points)

3.  If I so choose to go, I usually hang out toward the back of the room with the few people who really get me. There aren't many who do, though by the end of the night everyone there likes to pretend like we are all good buddies.  Even when I start out by myself, I usually end up surrounded by a small crowd like a magnet.  I can’t get away no matter how hard I try.  Nobody understands what it’s like to be me.  (+4 points)

4.  My friends and I don't really party. We hang out together in small groups and do more funner things, like role playing games... and Settlers of Catan.  Sometimes we wear funny hats and call each other Dalmuti, but that’s only on really special occasions.  (+5 points)

5.  Woo Hoo! I am the life of the party!  If life were a ship, I’d be hangin’ off the bow shoutin’, “I’m the king of the world!”  When I talk everybody listens. When I leave, the party's over.  I’m hangin’ out with the biggest crowd!  We’re doin’ the funnest things!  Where are we?  Where ever’s best!  What’re we doin’?  Whatever’s funnest!  WHEEE-HAAAA!!!!  (+2 points)

#2 – When you walk into a crowded room, people always:

1.  Pretend I don't exist.  But then, what is the meaning of existence?  Maybe I’ve never existed at all if that vampire from Twilight doesn’t know I exist.  My life is meaningless. (+0 points)

2.  Are intrigued by your acerbic wit and vivacity - you really throw off tart sparks that bring in only those intelligent enough to "get it".  And who’s not “getting it?”  Those sheep in that little group over there, kissing the mirror.  They certainly don’t “get it.”   (+2 points)

3.  Are enthralled by you; they secretly wish they could join you, but because you are so beautiful and unapproachable, they find it hard to get close.  If only they understood how lonely you truly are inside.  (+4 points)

4.  Stand aside as you and your pack of loyal friends go conspicuously to your regular spot in the corner.  Come on over and join us!  We have a funny hat with your name on it!  (+3 points)

5.  Flock to you, enticed by your witty conversation and sparkling personality.  There’s always fun to be had where you are, even if it’s sometimes at someone else’s expense.  Oh, snap!  (+2 points)

#3 – What kind of fruit smoothie do you like?

1.  Smoothie?  I'll just take water, and not that fancy spring water, either.  Better make it purified.  Or maybe even tap. I can't be having that smoothie kind of excitement.  (+1 point)

2.  Whatever those stupid popular girls aren't drinking with their football player boyfriends. Jerks.  (+0 points)

3.  Sweet guava honeysuckle nectar.  (+3 points)

4.  Something citrusy, but sweet, with maybe some tropical overtones.  And make sure you put one of those fun little drink umbrellas in it.  (+2 points)

5.  Berry-flavored. Or Tropical. Or, well, whatever everyone else is drinking.  (+1 point) 

#4 – How do you like to do your hair in the morning?

1.  All that hair washing is for yumps.  I just hope the grease doesn't show too much. Maybe I'll take a shower this weekend, and if I do, maybe I’ll wash my hair.  (-3 points – eeewww!)

2.  However those stupid popular girls aren't doing their hair. Guh!  (+1 point)

3.  I don't usually have to do anything to my hair when I get up in the morning. It usually looks all right without any styling.  If I have somewhere special to go, maybe I’ll use some heat or some product, but otherwise I just wash and go.  (+4 points)

4.  I'm not fussy. If it's just a normal day, I'll just brush it out and maybe use a little hairspray to tame frizz.  If I have a date (or if it’s a Dalmuti kind of a day) I’m bustin’ out the gel and the curling iron, and you might not recognise me when I’m done!  (+3 points)

5.  I use a straightening iron. Or I curl it. If most of my friends have bangs, I'll cut it. Last week I got a weave to look like that girl in Twilight... What's her name? Who cares, I know the vampire would have picked me instead of her anyway.  Vampires don’t just like greasy-haired goth girls, I know what they’d really want is someone cute.  Someone like me.  (+2 points)

#5 – What's your favorite place to hang out?

1.  I hang out with my computer a lot, in my bedroom, taking meaningless quizzes that have no bearing on my life.  But if I ever have to fill out a job application that asks me what kind of kisser I am, I’ll be able to answer that question, no problemo.  (+2 points, for honesty... or ignorance, I can’t decide which)

2.  Starbucks. No, the mall. No, the Starbucks in the mall. No, no, wait, the football field while the team is practicing and then the Starbucks at the mall, because that’s where all the football players go after football practice.  When they’re done practicing.  (+3 points)

3.  Wherever I am, that's where I'll be.  (+5 points)

4.  I watch those popular girls through the window of the Starbucks at the mall and think about how stupid they all are.  (+2 points)

5.  Either the library or a quiet coffee shop where my friends and I can chat about our days and about how we’ll play Catan later on tonight.  (+4 points)

Results:

Red (Raspberry flavored) Gummy Bear –   8 - 12 points

You are the Red Raspberry Gummy Bear: perky and sweet, you attract people who are attracted to those who like to be attracted to people who like to have people attracted to them.  While your flavor is (sorry to burst your bubble) really fairly ordinary, you tend to fancy yourself wild and edgy - most Red Gummies do; no one will ever tell you differently, because even though you're ordinary, you're still popular. Don't let anyone ever tell you different, girl!

Orange Gummy Bear –   14 - 19 points

You are the Orange Gummy Bear: Citrusy and sweet, you're like a kick in the pants in the morning, but by the end of the day, you’re more like one of those organic energy drinks than that hot double macchiato that’s really going to keep a person going.  You're not quite as popular as the Red Raspberry Gummy, but you don't care, and never have.  Really, neither does anyone else who knows you, because you have your loyal followers.  Those who love the Orange gummy will die loving the Orange Gummy.  Those who defect were never really Orange Gummy lovers anyway.  Pah!

Green (Lime) Gummy Bear –   -2 - 2 points (ouch!)

You are the Lime Green Gummy Bear: I hate to say it, my friend, but you were always the last person picked for dodge ball.  But you do have friends – or friend – really you do... REALLY...  (*little cricket sound effect here*)  Unlike the Orange Gummy, you really mind not being as popular as your Red compatriot.  And unlike the lemon Gummy, it’s not something you make known.  It’s like a deep, secret, festering, puss-filled abscess.  (I just vomited a little in my mouth)  Secretly, in the dark of the night, you lie awake in your gummy bear bag, squished up against those other little boingy bodies, thinking of nasty ways to pop Red off.  And you could do it, too, sneaking around like a creeper late at night the way you do.  Don't worry. His time is coming.  He's always the first one to be eaten. Mu-wah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

Yellow (Lemon) Gummy Bear –   3 - 7 points

You are the Lemon Gummy Bear: You've got that tangy zip that a chosen few just can't get enough of – or, if you’re gonna have your way, which you always do, others just can’t get period.  Why do they like you better than the Lime Gummy?  Nobody knows.  I mean, really, in the generic gummy bear flavoring world, you’re practically the same flavor.  But people almost always choose you over him.  Poor Lime Gummy. Watch your back, though, ‘cause he's watching you.  You don’t have too much to worry about, though, because he’s watching Red more.  Why do people not like you as much as the Red Gummy?  Stupid Red Gummy with its perfect hair and manicured nails and popular crowd...  If you could only figure out how to do your hair like the Red Gummy, things would be so different...

White (Pineapple) Gummy Bear –  18 - 20 points

Ahhhh...  You, my friend, are the chosen one...  You are the White Pineapple Gummy Bear: Everybody loves you, but no one is quite sure what flavor you are – they can't quite pin you down.  The Gummy Bear company says you're pineapple flavored, but are you really?  Are you?  REALLY?  Only you know.  Mysterious and beguiling, you have quite the following – there are always so few of you in the bag that you're gone before anyone knows it, and everyone is left wanting more.  In fact, you are so mysterious that even that whack crazy Lime Gummy can't see how much more everyone loves you than Red. That's ok, let him target Red... you're the one everybody REALLY wants.

I should tell you, now that you’ve read this, if you’ve sat through the whole thing, that the Gummy Bears now have their own fan page on facebook and some 9,000 users, so they’re no small potatoes.  I don’t know if high school girls are passing notes about them in class, but they are asking the Gummies questions.  On a whim, I decided to check the Gummies’ fan page, and one dear soul had posted on there earlier this month, “r u the inventors?”  And so I wrote back to her (any post I make on the Gummy Bear fan page goes under the screen name “What Flavor Gummy Bear Are You?” and not “Jaye Barnes”, so it makes me feel a little like the Wizard of Oz), “The white Gummy Bear is the inventor.”  Is that wrong?